2011: My Year of the Turtle

I don’t think of a lot of things I think or do are that radical until I tell others about them and I get that look that tells me, yes, indeed, I’ve just said something crazy. It seals the deal when they tell me “Well, I could certainly never do that!” And I get that, because I’ve been there, and I still am. There are lots of things that other people do or say to which I respond “Good for you, but I would never do that!” I think what people don’t understand, is that I’m not making some grand, impressive sacrifice for the greater good. It’s that I’m excited about the challenge, and am eager to at least begin taking it on. But perhaps a few examples would help illustrate the extent of the craziness to which I refer.

- For several years, I’ve almost entirely given up buying meat. I’ll occasionally buy it when cooking for friends, or when eating out, but I gave it up for financial reasons, and haven’t missed it that much. It’s cheaper, better for my health, and I enjoy the creative challenge of making tasty food sans flesh.
- Through cooking for a client-family that is dairy free, gluten free, and vegetarian, I have begun to do more reading about the subject, and found that these kinds of eating-habits can be very good even for people who aren’t allergic. I’m not rushing to entirely flip my diet upside down, but when I run out of flour, I intend to replace it with a gluten free substitute. I’ll probably start buying soy, coconut or almond alternatives that I think are just as tasty as cow’s milk. (Note: Vegan cheese is NASTY! Do not recommend. Please contact me if you ever find a tasty kind.)
- I get a box of organic, local produce delivered to my house every other week.
- I carry my own bags to avoid using disposable ones. (Chico bags are AWESOME and the secret to my success.)
- For environmental and social justice reasons, I am shifting my shopping habits to try and avoid purchasing new items. I shop places like Craigslist or Crossroads Trading Company for second-hand items (or make do with what I already have!) before I buy brand-new items.
- My dream house is a custom built straw bale house, with passive solar design, solar panels, gray watering system, compost turner, chickens, vegetable garden…
- In the future I would like to set a “lights-out” time to save electricity and promote more natural sleep rhythms, buy only local food, carry my own cloth bags to the store in which to purchase bulk food items, be a foster-parent, use cloth diapers (at home), replace refined sugar with whole food options like honey, molasses and rice syrup, and generally live more simply.

I don’t think any of those things sound that extreme, and I am not militant about any of my “rules”. To me, they are just minor life- adjustments that I make as I feel they become do-able and interesting to me. As I’ve said, a lot of what motivates me is the creative challenge. The process and research is fascinating, and to me, fairly painless. I know many people tend to feel very threatened by those with “alternative lifestyles”. Several vegetarian friends of mine have caught flack for being everything from un-healthy to un-American. You step outside the box, and those inside freak out! I hope no one ever feels threatened by my choices, but intrigued by the richness of life’s diversity.

Many times, people also focus on what they are losing, but I have found many unexpected benefits. For example, when I started getting local produce delivered, I expected to enjoy fresh, delicious fruits and vegetables. What I didn’t expect was to discover new delicious flavors in things I would have never have dreamed of buying on my own. I have also enjoyed feeling more in touch with the changing seasons as the contents of the boxes morph with the weather. I feel I actually appreciate winter more when I eat wintery foods like squash and root vegetables. Each box also carries the subtle reminder that no matter what life brings, there is always something to enjoy. Metaphorically, I can be sad there are no peaches, or I can savor the persimmons (I have begun a mad love-affair with persimmons.) Who knew that veggies could inform your spiritual practice!

While Thoreau and Colin Beavan (The No Impact Man) are big inspirations to me, the way I execute it follows a more laid-back approach. There used to be this great TV show called “The Lazy Environmentalist”. In each episode, they implemented eco-friendly alternatives into people’s everyday lives and businesses. The goal was to take what they were already doing, and make it greener. At the end of the trial period, the guests were free to keep what worked for them, and retire what didn’t. They were very honest about finding some things simply unattractive or too inconvenient. But many were surprised at how much solutions worked just as well, if not better, were cost effective, and very easy! That’s how I try to live. If I can use a better alternative, I do. If not, like in the case of vegan cheese, I don’t! And above all, I enjoy myself.

Joy and sweetness,

katy

One of the biggest perks about working with children is the stories. Every night I come home with a new anecdote. One of my favorites lately is from the 13-year old I work with. Poor kiddo has some serious trouble with perfectionism. One night he was really upset that I wouldn’t let him stay up past his bedtime to check his homework with me. I was doing everything I could think of to calm him down and help him realize that it was ok to say “good enough” and call it a night. I was sitting on the sofa, and he was sitting on the floor, sprawled out dramatically, fake crying, calling my name, poking my leg and saying “Please, please!” I explained to him for the umpteenth time that homework is only for practice and does not count towards his grade. He continued to moan and carry on. I asked him what he thought would happen if he made a few mistakes. Flinging an arm dramatically across his eyes he cried “I’ll DIE!”, and carried on weeping and wailing.

I’ve told this story several times to friends and family, and it’s always provided a good chuckle. “I’ll die!” has become somewhat of a catchphrase in my inner circle. One day, I was asking my sister to remind my mom to bring something next time she visited, and saying how important it was, and I really wanted to make sure I would have it soon. My sister, giving me a hard time, as loving sisters often do, said “Or what? You’ll DIE??” I laughed as I realized I probably had been a little too emphatic about something that in reality, I could pretty easily do without.

As I’ve been reflecting on my life, I realize there are lots of things that I could probably let go of, but somehow I’ve worked it up in my mind that I have to them or I’ll DIE! I get this idea into my head and I worry over it, fret over it, and rearrange my life around it as if it were the only thing between me and utter ruin.

My goal this year has been to cultivate more peace in my life, and I’ve made good progress. I feel my next step is in the same vein, but more targeted. My mantra is to Keep It Super Simple. Thoreau and “No Impact Man” have been big inspirations. While I’m not ready to go to the extremes they did, even experimentally, they do help me to reevaluate about what things I really need. Thoreau points out that not only are many possessions and pursuits unnecessary, they get in the way of our inner development. Often I’ve acknowledged this many a time, and then in the same breath said “But without that, I’ll die!” But I won’t really die, or even lose quality of life, and the hunt for many things only leads to less peace, more anxiety, less time and more folly.

I don’t think that poverty is necessarily the path to peace. I simply have come to think that happiness is not found through adding, but by learning to enjoy what I am privileged to receive. I don’t stop pursuing what I want, but I don’t want to let the things I want get in the way of my happiness. Otherwise, what use are they? What good does it do a man to gain the world and lose his soul?

I hope this hasn’t sounded preachy. It’s not my intention to preach to anybody but myself. As I am so many times the author of my own misery, I hope to further become the author of my own joy.

There is some comfort in realizing I have felt this feeling before. This almost irresistible desire to do nothing by stay in my pajamas, curled up on the couch, watching TV and drowning out the cacophony in my head. Reality is too full of anxiety and sadness and confusion. I just want comfort and sleep and distraction. Getting up to shower feels nearly impossible. The comfort comes in knowing that I have gone through this before, and it does pass eventually. I just have to keep reminding myself that lapsing into this state does not make me a bad person. Hopefully no one else will judge me too harshly while homework goes undone, laundry piles up and all the minutiae of life gets put on hold while I struggle to function at a basic level.

I am happy to report that I have made a huge step towards bringing more peace into my life through work. This past year as a paraeducator in a special ed. class was a trial by fire, from which I grew greatly. However, it also greatly worked against my sense of peace and well-being. This past summer I had a wonderful time as a nanny for a 3-year old boy and continuing as a tutor at Sylvan. The nannying brought me laid-back structure, exercise and fresh air, giggles and goofiness. The tutoring brought me the challenges and rewards of educating young minds. After having such a fantastic summer, I knew there was no way I could go back to my previous job.

This current school year is a patchwork of continuing with Sylvan and my 3-year old, and starting new adventures with a 12-year old with Asberger's as well as work on a mild/moderate credential at SJSU. It's such a wonderful blend of young and old, learning and teaching, casual and professional. I thought I would be tearing my hair out going in so many directions at once, but so far it's working out quite nicely. Most importantly, all of it is generally rewarding, relaxed and pleasant. I'm so glad I gave up on getting a traditional, "respectable", "stable" job. I am loving life so much more now. Why do anything else when you never know when it will all be over?

On a related note, I had to renew my CPR certification and I had the most wonderful instructor. She herself wears many hats. In addition to teaching CPR, she also is a landscaper and... something else I can't remember. It was an unusual mix. I would guess she was about 40 or 45. She wore a loose top, legging capris and unzipped boots with stripey socks peeking out. She had long, frizzy hair, a gravelly voice and joked about boobs a lot (it was an all girl class). She was wonderfully practical and had fantastic pedagogy. The icing on the cake was that she gave us all her phone number. When someone asked about the area code she replied "Hawaii. I'm a Hawaii girl". I don't know how that works out, since she seems to live and work in California, but also seems to have a significant life in Hawaii as well. I was just so thrilled to find someone else cobbling together a life out of the bits and pieces she loves best. OH, and her name is Starr Anastasio. How perfect is that?

For a moment I truly know (Dad would know the Hebrew word, meaning seeing/knowing. Yada? Or is it Greek?) that I am more than my career or the money I make, or really anything I do. I am in this life to be. All that I do in this life will be inconsequential to myself and to my loved ones compared to my being, purely being, as purely as possible. I am trying to dwell in this moment. The more I can be by just being, the more I can bring to my loved ones, and to myself and to the world. My being rises above ANYTHING that might happen to me. I may become rich and famous, I may become poor and scorned, but it won’t matter because I am through it all. I think perhaps it might be appropriate to say I Am through the Great I AM. The rest is just baggage.

It’s hard to put words to the knowing.


I’m sure I’ll feel silly about this post later.

Despite the ups and downs and dramas at work, my job is enjoyable in many ways. I get the chance to "play teacher" without carrying the full load of responsibilities. If I go the extra mile, it's for the sheer joy of helping my students, and not because I am required to. Especially working with this new sub, who wants to do as little as he can get away with, it's easy to feel good about myself because I'm sooooooo much more awesome than he is :p

There is a fly in the ointment though, and that is when I get around people who make me feel inadequate, not due to their actions towards me, but just because of who they are, what they've achieved and how hard they work. Tonight I was able to pinpoint the fear precisely. My fear is that if they were to truly know me, to see all my actions, they would be disappointed. They would be disappointed that I didn't work more, work faster, work harder.

That is one of the pitfalls of teaching, especially for me. No matter how hard one works, there is always so much more to do, that it's hard to feel good about what you are doing. Somehow, I always feel behind.

So, the lesson I take from all of this, is that one obstacle in my journey towards peace will be my lack of ability to accept myself. I need to let go of other’s opinions of me, draw my own line in the sand, and say “good enough for today”.

I've never been big on New Year's Resolutions. In fact, I can't remember ever really making one. However, this year I feel a urgent need to cultivate more peace in my life. Life hasn't exactly been going according to plan the last couple years, and it's forced me to do quite a bit of reevaluating about what I consider to be success for myself. I feel that this would be a good year to take my focus off of everything I have not been able to accomplish, and focus on being a more peaceful person, for my sake and for others. If I can do that, if I can increasingly let go of disappointment, and accept each moment for what it is, then I will consider myself successful. Even six days in to the new year it hasn't been easy! But it's good to have one thing to come back to in a whirlwind of "to-do's". Last night I realized that paying so much attention to "what's wrong with me" is exactly what is wrong with me ;) I hope that this new focus for this year will at least bring me less self-defeat.

So I've done a little revamping on my journal as I hope to use this space to check in with myself and any others who happen to be reading, and to keep a record of the journey.

Here's to peace and acceptance.

So I was invited to apply to teach at a Christian homeschool group. Initially I was planning on applying, but most likely turning down the position, as often Christian education is lame, and I won't teach lame stuff. Then I got to thinking it might be pretty awesome to teach older students, and really make them think and form their own beliefs and opinions about God, the Bible, etc., not what they've been taught only. Then I got really stoked about the whole idea. Then I realized I probably won't get the job anyway because I don't read my bible every day, don't have a pastor to write me a letter of recommendation and would probably be considered a heretic by the Christian world at large. *sigh*

Fluffy, full-length, terry-cloth bathrobe, prefereably white.

Gift Cards:

- World Market
- Forever 21

Matt would like the soundtrack to "The Sound of Music" and other awesome musicals. He has "My Fair Lady" but that's about it. I know Matt would also like a suit. One that's not so fancy that he can't wear it to school, or at least pieces. He also needs a new jacket. Something simple, but classy that he can dress up or down. The one he is wearing now makes him look like he's still in high school. Thus sayeth the Wife.

Short, but, hey it's a tradition now, so here it be. On a related note, I think I'm pretty much done with my Christmas shopping. I just bought stuff as I was inspired and suddenly I have something for everyone!

Gift Cards:
- Victoria Secret
- Sephora
- Target
- iTunes
- Ikea
- Bed, Bath and Beyond

CDs
- Battle Studies by John Mayer
- The Fall by Norah Jones
- Save Me, San Francisco by Train

Black Pea Coat, hip length (Size small)

Dark brown, furry “UGG” type boots from Costco